Rambling on a sunday afternoon!

So hello to my page that has no audience and has no purpose but is joyful (to me) nonetheless. It has been months or probably years since I sat down to write anything. I have been busy moving around places, settling down in a new phase of life which is both exciting and scary. But that is not the only reason why I haven't tried writing (not that I am any great at it but it always brought me joy). I have been battling with a lot of questions in my head that I ended up spending way too much time in my head than trying to live a life outside of that. So, I just decided to sit down and type whatever comes to my mind so that I can call this a restart for this run down blog of mine which is a reflection of all the questions in my head that usually just went unanswered. 

Today is Sunday, I was invited for lunch at a friend's place but I bailed on that so I can work on a report that is due soon. However, we all know what would have happened. I wrote a few sentences, watched a ton of reels, read a few pages, walked around the studio I live in and finally took a nap. I don't feel guilty because it feels like a perfect Sunday afternoon. This is my new found independence, a new life I have built from scratch and I enjoy every second of it. I have my moments every now and then, more frequently than I would like but slowly I am learning to live with it. I am trying to understand who I am, why I am the way I am so I can accept myself more than I have done in all these years. Probably the inner self needs that assurance every now and then, to be accepted by yourself, to live in peace and harmony in a world that is anything but peaceful. Nothing much has changed, shitty people continue to be shitty, but I am learning to maneuver through all that to a cleaner, calmer, more serene, more welcoming bubble of bliss that I create for myself every morning until the end of day. Then, I repeat the whole thing again. Sometimes, the bubble is never the same calm clean serene place for me and it gets all too stormy like a cyclone just hit but it is what it is. That day isn't just my day and I build a new one next day with the hope that it will be what I intend it to be. Today was just another day that had a need different than being the most productive and no, I am not guilty of that. Tomorrow will be an even better day :) 

The Easily Forgettable Face

Source: https://www.1stdibs.com/art/paintings/abstract-paintings/rozanne-hermelyn-disilvestro-hidden-faces-search-hope-abstract-oil-painting/id-a_6978912/

People who have known me for a short time would describe me either as a cheerful person (trust me some people have called me that) or a socially awkward introvert. People who have known me for a relatively longer period would call me a mostly-frustrated-with-the-world person. People who have known me for a very long time, who have seen me in my best and worst have described and will continue to describe me as a good-hearted person who has been through a fair share of experiences both good and bad (Again, trust me I am not kidding! People have said that). Well, the next and the most important question would be - what do I think of myself? 

I think of myself as a person who has the "easily forgettable face" like the person who would just slip out of your mind, not intentionally, but just happens. I have never really gotten close to understanding why. Even the people who call themselves my friend, even people who do actually believe that I am a nice person would "conveniently" forget. I don't blame them because its me who has the "easily forgettable" face right? 

They are all very good people. People who have helped me when I really needed it. So, its just that tiny distance my personality did not tread to make an impression so that their brains wouldn't forget my face when the next time they plan to do something. I may or may not want to cross that tiny little distance any more! I think I am going to just learn to be comfortable at this mild dissociation rather and continue to be the "easily forgettable face" who is also a good-hearted cheerful person whom you might find frustrated with the world at other times ;) 

There is Always a Way

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and so many others, are overflowing with awareness, quotes, condolences and social messages, past two days after actor Sushant Singh's demise. Sadly, this is not the first time someone decides to end their life. Also, this is not the first time social media is swarming with posts feeling bad for a person who committed suicide asking why didn't they reach out to any of them and why did they have to end their life. Their concerns are very appreciative but if the same concern was shown a few months back when he first started to feel depressed, if a shoulder was lent, for him to lean on when he could no longer stand strong, if someone offered to just be there and listen to him every time he wanted to talk, may be..... may be he would have survived this phase.

Each one of us travel through very different journeys. Some are very "lucky" with friends, family, career, health and most others have to really work for everything they get but they sure get it at the end of the day and there are a few others, who have to work hard and face a lot of setbacks before they can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even that light would be so faint that most of the time they will have to just manage to reach the end with faith guiding them through. Some, like Sushant, never see that light. The third category of people can make it to the end if the other two, atleast, try to shed some of their light over or voice out from inside one of their tunnels that they are not alone and there is nothing to be scared of, in this journey. Tell them that, it is just a harmless, yet highly personalized, travel and all you have to do is just experience it and keep moving forward. We need to understand that all minds aren't alike just like how we all "look" different we all "feel" different too. World would be a happy place if we understand our differences and know that our only responsibility is to not hurt others but love them for what they are. If possible, be supportive, encourage, always spread positivity and never compare your successful, beautifully tailored life with theirs. If you think you are are not capable of extending your warmth then just be in your own bubble and let others be them. Your judgements, opinions, advises, comments, jokes are really not needed. They speak a lot about you than the person it is targeted to. Instead, a smile, an occasional enquiry about how they do, encouraging words, a hug, a pat, a reassuring nod will help someone muster the courage to step ahead.

We have come a long way as humans. Today, we think we have a purpose, we have goals, we win, we lose, we say, do, think and feel a lot of things. For what its worth, these things don't matter at all. Purpose, goals, race, competition - They were formed by us, to give ourselves somewhere to go, something to work for, something to keep ourselves occupied with. If life doesn't unfold according to the outline we had drawn, we need to understand that it is okay, we can erase what we drew and draw it again,  but now, that which fits the life that is unraveling itself. No one can judge because there is no one else in our tunnel. It is just me in mine just like how you are alone in yours. Just because someone overheard your lament when you hit yourself against the wall when you took the wrong turn in the tunnel, if they think they can make a judgement, let them. Their so-called opinion is not based on the actual facts. Those are empty noises. 

I read an article recently that spoke about how parenting can make a difference. It said children have to be educated about failures more than successes. It is important that they are taught that it is okay to fail, it is okay to be poor, it is okay to not get what you want and especially, it is okay to stand alone at some point in life. Personally, I learnt it the hard way that we cannot expect someone to be there at all times to encourage and give us strength. Sometimes, it will be just us, in that dark, gloomy, scary part of the tunnel. At worst times, you might even have diverging paths to choose from and no one will be there to tell you which one is the safest. There are no rules for your life. If you think there are, they are always flexible. Bend it to your needs and don't expect someone to do it for you. Take the path you think is right, if it turns out to be wrong come back and take the other. If you think you don't have the time to retrace, it is still okay. Live it. In a train journey, sometimes you get to sit next to the window and sometimes all you get is hardly a seat and sometimes, you just have to travel standing the whole time. It is a phase and eventually you will get down and reach a place of comfort. Such phases are not permanent and will end, eventually. The path you took might be wrong but it will definitely end and lead you to another which will be better. This belief is what we must hold on to.

Suicide is never an option. If you think you are alone in this world going through a tough phase, just hold on to the faith that this is not permanent and this too shall pass. If someone asks you to console yourself that there are people suffering more than you do, punch them in their face. Just like how pain tolerance varies between people, what one feels during a tough phase is completely personal. No suffering is more or less profound than another. It is all personally defined and can not be compared. Stay put. Stay positive. There is always someone out there waiting to spread their wings and hold you close to heart just to tell you - "Hold on, sweetheart. We are almost there and if you need anything, I am always there for you. It is a promise."

Awakening Amid Chaos

Corona, pandemic, infections, social distancing, quarantine - This is all we hear about, lately. I am sure each of you have mixed emotions when you hear about Corona that is fast spreading, taking many lives with it while leaving others, sincerely, hoping they would survive to get back to their normal lives again. The sight is quite devastating but at the same time instigates a fear of survival that many of us might not acknowledge openly. All of us have become experts in topics on pathogens, viruses in particular, its mode of action, preventive measures in these few months or that is what I understand from the posts on various social media platforms.

There are a lot of medical professionals who have released videos on the nature of this pathogen, on how to protect ourselves and there are a few others who have taken efforts to motivate everyone out there to stay positive and responsible until this goes away. So, there is nothing that I can say in these grounds as its doubly emphasized already. However, there is something that struck me hard when I saw a post that said - "We all owe 2019 an apology for what we said about it". It was definitely funny at first, I forwarded it to my friends and they laughed at it too. When I spent some time thinking about it, I realized that this pandemic really has an important lesson to teach all of us. Until, this January, I am sure all of us would have made a long list of plans this year like to travel around the world, to progress in our respective careers, to achieve something big and noticeable, to be better than those with whom we always compare ourselves - may be not all, but most of us (come on! for once let's be honest to ourselves, no one has the time or energy to judge us now). In the past year(s), we would have lamented about how unfortunate our lives are, like:

• Life is boring (Even when there were so many things to do out there. Now, imagine sitting at home hoping Corona wouldn't find us)
• I am not lucky (now I feel I'll be very lucky if I survive this pandemic to share it with my grandchildren)
• I am not very rich (Dude! Share markets are taking a hit, businesses have closed down, people who can, are working from home while daily laborers are not even earning).
• I don't like anyone. I'd rather be alone. (Now, we are very much alone and a comforting word from anyone, we know, would be a blessing in disguise)
• Worrying about looks, about not having enough dresses or jewellery (Right now, the cleanest person would be awarded a longer life than the most beautiful one. So, you choose.)
• Why can't my mother cook tasty food? (Tasty food? It is so difficult to even find "food" in the stores. I just stocked up my supplies with ready-to-make foods and canned vegetables that will last long enough in case there comes a shortage)

.... I can keep going, but, I guess you got the gist already. Life has its own way of taking its course. I guess it is time we all focus on being a good person and of course, focus on personal growth and measure it with who you were yesterday not with anyone else because we may never know what will happen in the next few minutes. A wise friend once said, "Live life one day at a time, keep working hard towards a better you. One day, after years of focused efforts, when you turn back you will realize you have come a long way from who you were yesterday and that, my friend is success". It did not make sense to me back then but today, I remind myself how valuable these words were and will continue to be. Take life easy, take tiny steps towards growing into a better being, congratulate yourself even for the smallest efforts you took in a day (because no one else will and no one is obligated to do it, either) and its okay if a day or two goes by without any progress. This pandemic is already almost under control and this too shall pass. But, the lessons we take from this, will stay with us for a life time, if we decide to pay heed to it. 

Remember, one day at a time! 

Medium of expression - Words? Signs? Silence?

How easy is it to express your innermost feelings, emotions and expectations to others?

Generally, we all think people are what they say or what they say is exactly what they want or if they don't say anything then we conclude that this is what they want based on who we think they are, based on what (we think we know) they like and what they don't. Take any relationship that expects transparency and pure love.

It is, quite fair, to expect that we learn to tell our close-ones, clearly, our expectations, disappointments, love, care, likes, dislikes, dreams and aspirations. But, are we all the same? Do we all have the same level of confidence on others? Sometimes, the person may be in a meaningful and close relationship to us, but we would barely know them. What would happen in that case? We may have to be honest and open about our feelings to them but how do we do that if we know them only for a few months or even few years? What if we are all not at the same level of comfort? Each one of us is different, having been through varied experiences, having met very different people in our lives, the person we are is defined by our childhood environment and all the other situations. All of us differ in the way we perceive others, the time we take to trust new people or even the ones we know for many years. Sometimes, we might be scared to express with the fear of hurting the other person or with the fear of being a burden or a trouble to them. I know and have heard many times, that we will never be a burden to our loved ones. But is it really true? Say, we ask for something and they are on a financial or emotional constraint at that moment. For the love they have for us, they might go to any extent to fulfill what we asked for. But is it fair? No one is really at fault but end of the day, is it really fair on our part to have asked for it or on their part to have gone through the pains to get that done when they could have just explained they can't? When you are a person who gets these questions every time someone asks you what do you want, will you freely express? And, if you don't, does that make you a weak person or an understanding individual. Let's assume, that it makes you a very understanding person. When you are one, is it too much if you expect your partner or parent to understand your inability to express and ask you the right questions with the right supporting information to do what you like and slowly give you the confidence to freely express and still not feel like you have troubled them. Is it too much hard work for them to identify your best medium of expression and give you the freedom and space to express it through that mode, be it in writing, or on call or in person?

Now, let's assume that it makes you a weak person. Again, if it is our significant other or our parent, is it too much of an expectation to help you gain the strength to still voice out what you have in mind? Will you not do that for them if they happened to be you? At least, I would. Probably, if we all try be more responsible towards our relationships and take sincere efforts to help each other, things would just work out easier than before.

I'd love to say

I'd love to say I am a writer, amateur or otherwise, but I am.

I'd love to say I sit on a cozy chair, everyday. Seated right next to the glass window, I write things that would make a difference in someone's life who reads it. I write as I hear the rain hitting the window trying to peep into what I am cooking up for the world at large.

I'd love to say, I wake up everyday to the face that loves me dearly but respects me more for what I am and holds a sense of pride every time I walk beside him.

I'd love to say I have a very peaceful life, may not be lavish but yes happy and peaceful.

I'd love to say I enjoy immense happiness when I sip my morning coffee in a place where there are lot of trees, plants, scented lowers, a place where it rains occasionally if not frequently and the birds greet me every morning with their cheerful chirping.

I'd love to say what I do on an everyday basis brings a difference in someone's life. That smile, that gratitude, that blessing I receive.

I'd love to say I keep the people around me happy and smiling.

I'd love to say we all have good health and nourishment and none of us suffer from anything chronic.

I'd love to say I see humanity, courteousness, gentleness, love and affection everywhere around me instead of jealousy, competition, ego, impatience and anger.

I'd love to say women are seen as symbols of happiness, love, warmth and abundance but not as an object of pleasure by anyone.

I'd love to say none of us is measured and weighed based on money, job, talent or anything but character.

I'd love to say a lot of things. But, I would just want to say I wish living was that easy.

Caste - Ban discrimination or caste itself?

It was just another hectic day at office. My friend and I decided to take a long tea break to give our stressful minds some rest. We usually discuss a lot of things during our breaks and today, we ended up "arguing" on Kamal sir's Tamil Movie, Devar Magan. You might wonder what could have possibly led us to an argument over a movie released almost 26 years ago. There was one. According to my friend, the movie propogates one caste "Devar" over the others. And, that is contradictory to one of Kamal's ideals. My friend, let's call him AJ, strongly feels many of Kamal's movies, portray different castes. I, being an admirer of Mr.Kamal, couldn't take this accusation and gave a lot of supporting arguments to prove AJ wrong. I succeeded in making him give up but he wasn't convinced and I am sure, though he wouldn't bring this topic up for a discussion ever again, he would, secretly, continue sticking on to his conception about Kamal Hassan. Though, the so-called argument ended and we went back to work that day, it left me thinking a lot about how people have different views on casteism. Let's drop Kamal Hassan out of the picture. I don't have the age or the experience or the wisdom to judge a person who has proved himself over the years. But, movie? Yeah. I can be a decent critic and voice out my opinion which is definitely against what AJ tried to make.

When we look at Devar Magan as a movie, it simply depicts one of the many castes in Tamil Society and stages their beliefs, practices and way of life. And, that's it. I have seen the movie umpteen number of times and never once did I feel inclined towards the caste or did the movie force me to consider Devars as one of the respectable castes. Respectable over others. No. Its a big No. The moment we mention about castes, our brains immediately picture revolt, struggle and then suddenly there is a fear of being seen as an anti-social element if u speak anything supportive. Let's just get one thing clear. Casteism needs to be banned because there were castes that were discriminated, looked down upon and denied facilities which the "privileged" few got. There were numerous reasons why this whole concept needs to be wiped out. I am not going to comment for or against any of those. What I am trying to point out is, discrimination is wrong. But wiping off the word "caste" from our dictionary and blaming someone for portraying a "particular" caste in a movie only makes me feel that we have not yet looked at the bigger picture.

Let's go to the beginning of the formation of families, societies and these castes. We had civilisations, settlements. Each group or each settlement differed in their practices and ways of life. Each caste or each group of people picked up practices that suited their location of settlement, the climatic conditions and other geographical factors. Slowly, they built up occupations for self which developed from barter system to currency. All this is history which, I am sure, all of us are aware of. Mostly, the different castes we know today emerged based on the occupations picked up by different groups of people. So, movies like Devar Magan or even Director Cheran's "Pirivom Santhipom", stage and bring to people's notice, how a particular caste lived over the years, it's practices, marriages, customs, beliefs, system of governance within their own group and basically, their way of life. Stepping out and looking at the bigger picture, the past and lineage helps us understand people better. It is, in fact, an interesting study.

Why eradicate the thought completely out of the picture and blindly blame these movies that they are propagating unethical and anti-social ideals when what we actually should do is to educate people, children, youngsters to be more open-minded to differences, know our history and learn to accept people as they are? In simple words, we need to learn to look past these boundaries, learn them with interest and let them be the way the other but still coexist amicably. It is more liberating for each of us to live our way, follow what we have been following for years without any fear but still not put one down and the other up. Just simply exist with the knowledge that we do differ in our own ways and that's okay. And, this will teach us to lead a harmonious life, hand in hand, but revolting and protesting against every movie, every person, every group that speaks of castes is just not going to help us progress.